The Borowitz Report Read online

  O’NEILL FIRED OVER “IT’S THE ECONOMY, STUPID” REMARK

  “Don’t Call Me Stupid,” Bush Shot Back

  A clearer picture of the events leading up to Treasury Secretary Paul H. O’Neill’s forced resignation was revealed today, as White House aides said that Mr. O’Neill was undone by unintentionally calling the President “stupid” in a meeting last week.

  The heated exchange occurred at the White House late Thursday night, aides said, when Mr. O’Neill urged the President to focus more on the economy, telling Mr. Bush, “Remember, it’s the economy, stupid.”

  Mr. Bush’s face reportedly reddened with rage after Mr. O’Neill made his remark.

  “I know it’s the economy,” the President replied, “and don’t call me ‘stupid.’”

  Mr. O’Neill quickly defended his “it’s the economy, stupid” remark as a figure of speech, but the President “would have none of it,” aides said.

  “I know when someone’s called me stupid, and you just called me stupid,” Mr. Bush said. “Well if I’m stupid, you’re a dickwad. How do you like them apples?”

  Mr. O’Neill, realizing that he had walked into a rhetorical minefield, quickly attempted to mend fences with the President.

  “When I said ‘it’s the economy, stupid,’ I just meant that the economy is something you should focus more on,” Mr. O’Neill said.

  “Who are you calling a moron?” a furious Mr. Bush demanded, leaping from his chair.

  “It’s ‘whom,’” corrected Lawrence B. Lindsey, director of the National Economic Council, who was also present at the meeting.

  Moments after Mr. Lindsey’s “whom” remark, the President called him a “smart-ass” and abruptly demanded his resignation as well.

  “If there’s one thing the President hates more than being called stupid, it’s being corrected on that whole who-whom thing,” one aide said.

  “DON’T CALL ME STUPID”: An unfortunate turn of phrase may have ended Paul O’Neill’s troubled tenure as Treasury Secretary.

  CHENEY’S BRIEF APPEARANCE, RETURN TO SECURE LOCATION MAY MEAN SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

  White House Downplays Veep’s Influence Over Seasons

  Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make the rounds of the morning news programs this Sunday, but then immediately returned to his hiding place—indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts.

  While appearing with Tim Russert on NBC’s Meet the Press, observers say, the Vice President seemed distracted, looking over his shoulder repeatedly as if trying to see his own shadow.

  Vice President Dick Cheney (left) might have seen his shadow while appearing on NBC’s Meet the Press with Tim Russert.

  A review of the broadcast indicates that Vice President Cheney, in fact, appeared to locate his shadow toward the end of the program.

  He then abruptly concluded the interview, canceled an appearance with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and returned to his secure, undisclosed location, which is believed to be underground.

  Experts were divided as to the impact of Mr. Cheney’s brief appearance and sudden disappearance upon the duration of the current winter season.

  “You can read anything you want into Cheney seeing his own shadow and going back underground,” said Dr. Evan Cornwall of the University of Minnesota. “Yes, it may mean six more weeks of winter, but it may just mean that he’s trying to stay as far away from the Enron mess as possible.”

  At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan attempted to downplay the increasingly widespread impression that Vice President Cheney can influence the seasons.

  “It’s absurd to suggest that the Vice President can control the weather,” Mr. McClellan told reporters. “He’s got his hands full controlling the world.”

  U.N. TO BEGIN WEAPONS INSPECTIONS SOMETIME BETWEEN 8 AND 12 THIS MORNING; ASKS IRAQ IF SOMEONE WILL BE HOME

  Saddam Demands “More Exact Time”

  U.N. weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for weapons of mass destruction sometime between 8 A.M. and 12 noon today and have asked if someone will be home to let them in.

  In a potential roadblock to the weapons inspection process, however, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein has demanded that the inspectors give “a more exact time” when he can expect them to arrive.

  In a sharply worded statement, the Iraqi leader said he was “too busy oppressing my people and purging members of my own family to spend the entire morning waiting for the inspectors to show up.”

  Saddam added that the last time U.N. inspectors came to look for weapons of mass destruction in his country, “they said they’d come in the morning, and I waited until two in the afternoon before they finally showed up. It was totally bogus.”

  The weapons inspectors defended their tardiness, however, saying that Iraq had not been first on the schedule for that day and that weapons inspections in other rogue nations had “run late.”

  The U.N. refused to give Saddam Hussein a more exact time for its weapons inspections visit this week.

  In addition, the U.N. encouraged Saddam o avail himself of the toll-free automated weapons inspection hotline that the world body has set up especially for him and other evil despots.

  A caller to the toll-free number reaches a recorded voice indicating the following prompts: “Press 1 if you are hiding chemical weapons; press 2 if you are hiding biological weapons; press 3 if you are hoping to acquire fissionable nuclear material in the next six to twelve months.”

  INCREASINGLY, ALIENS ARE CREATING HALF-ASSED CROP CIRCLES

  Farmers Bemoan Lazy Space Creatures’ Shoddy Workmanship

  In M. Night Shyamalan’s hit movie Signs, Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his shingled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.

  But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design—making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place.

  “Some might call what I’ve got in my cornfield back there a crop circle,” says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. “I call it a big old mess.”

  Aliens landed in Mr. Fortenson’s cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a “really neat” crop circle, Mr. Fortenson said.

  But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed—leaving Mr. Fortenson’s cornfield severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle.

  “It looks like a guy just got drunk and went nuts with a John Deere out there,” Mr. Fortenson said. “If that’s a crop circle, then I’m Liza Minnelli.”

  Farmers have been voicing annoyance at what they claim is “increasingly shoddy workmanship” in alien crop circles.

  Half-assed crop circles are increasingly becoming a serious nuisance in rural America, says Dr. Phyllis DeVore, who studies half-assed alien phenomena at the University of Minnesota.

  “Just because they’re intelligent, that doesn’t mean aliens are intrinsically hardworking or conscientious,” Dr. DeVore says. “It’s just as likely that they’re capable of doing a half-assed. slipshod job.”

  Dr. DeVore said that many half-assed phenomena in the world today might actually have been the work of lazy aliens, including the Legally Blonde sequel and Justin Timberlake’s entire recording career.

  PAPER THAT ENRON STOCK IS PRINTED ON IS WORTHLESS, TOO, PAPER EXPERTS SAY

  Stock Certificates Dissolve, Spontaneously Combust on Contact, Tests Show

  For weeks, Enron shareholders have been hearing that their stock isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Now comes word that the paper it’s printed on is worthless, too.

  Those are the findings of Dr. Franklin Glaser of the National Paper-Testing Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, who says
that Enron stock certificates are printed on paper that is “far below acceptable standards for negotiable securities” and that has “no value” for such other purposes as gift-wrap or place mats.

  “People stuck with Enron stock in their 401k accounts may have comforted themselves with the thought that they could use it to make festive paper hats,” Dr. Glaser said. “Unfortunately, if they try to fold an Enron stock certificate, it will dissolve into dust.”

  The paper that Enron stock certificates are printed on is of a significantly lower quality than other stock certificates, paper experts say.

  Not only are Enron stock certificates worthless, they may actually be dangerous, Dr. Glaser said.

  “In lab tests, our team found that Enron stock certificates, on occasion, spontaneously combust or explode when touched,” Dr. Glaser said. “This makes them highly unsuitable for most uses in the home or office.”

  It is extremely unusual, Dr. Glaser said, for stock certificates to be printed on paper stock that dissolves, burns up, or explodes when handled, but his team has a theory to explain the phenomenon.

  The paper experts believe that Enron stock was mistakenly printed on a special self-destructing paper stock intended for Enron spreadsheets, accounting statements and transcripts of meetings with Vice President Richard Cheney.

  BUSH WINS NOBEL WAR PRIZE

  Saddam Miffed at Oslo Snub

  The Norwegian Nobel Committee honored President George W. Bush today by bestowing upon him the first-ever Nobel War Prize.

  In Oslo, Nobel Committee Chairman Gunnar Berge said that Mr. Bush was chosen for the award because “above all, in his words and deeds, President Bush has stood for the resolution of conflicts between nations and peoples through the use of massive and overwhelming force.”

  At the White House, President Bush said that he was surprised to have received the Nobel War Prize and that he was “deeply honored and touched.”

  President Bush told reporters that he was “gratified and humbled” by the news that he had won the coveted Nobel War Prize.

  He added that it would have been impossible to win the award without the help of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, whom the President thanked for “his tireless efforts to do absolutely nothing to hinder me.”

  But even as the Oslo committee announced the first-ever prize, there was a firestorm of controversy in international circles, with some critics charging that President Bush was insufficiently bellicose to win the Nobel War Prize.

  In particular, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein expressed the view that he and not the President should have walked off with the coveted Norwegian accolade.

  “I’ve been busting my hump to win the Nobel War Prize for the better part of twenty years, and he just scoops it up at the last minute?” a visibly miffed Saddam said to reporters in Baghdad. “Excuse me, but the whole thing reeks of politics.”

  For his part, President Bush brushed off Saddam’s comments as “sour grapes,” and said he would use the $1 million award to break ground on the Bush Center for Preemptive Armed Conflict in Houston, Texas.

  CIA USING AMERICAN CEOS TO INFILTRATE AL-QAEDA

  Agency Expects Terror Group to Collapse Within Weeks

  Former Vivendi Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier (pictured) may have played a pivotal role in the CIA’s plan to drive al-Qaeda into bankruptcy.

  The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune 500 companies to infiltrate al-Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group to collapse within weeks.

  “We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match,” a CIA spokesman said.

  While the CIA would not identify which corporate sleazebags had been used in the highly sensitive operation, intelligence sources believe they were plucked from the ranks of Tyco, Enron, Adelphia, WorldCom, Sotheby’s and over ninety other recently disgraced companies.

  The unidentified CEOs have reportedly been so successful in cooking al-Qaeda’s books that the once-flush terror network is now $30 billion in debt and may have to sell its long-profitable terror training camps at fire-sale prices.

  In addition to the undercover CEO operation, the CIA is reportedly considering employing recently departed Vivendi Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier in a mission to force the terror group into several highly leveraged, ill-advised media acquisitions.

  According to the rumors, Monsieur Messier would steer the terror group’s resources toward idiotic Internet and telecom ventures, as well as the purchase of a $17.5 million Park Avenue residence for Osama bin Laden.

  The CIA poured cold water on those rumors, however, saying that it regarded Monsieur Messier as “a weapon of last resort.”

  “The use of Monsieur Messier would create so much devastation, it’s really in the realm of the unthinkable,” the spokesman said.

  HOLLYWOOD GROUP PROTESTS WAR, LACK OF GOOD ROLES FOR WOMEN OVER FORTY

  France, Germany, Russia Join in Call for Better Scripts

  A group of unemployed Hollywood film actors has planned a march on Washington, D.C., for later today to protest the war with Iraq and the lack of good roles for women over forty, a spokesperson for the group said.

  “The Bush administration is so focused on Saddam Hussein, they’ve completely lost sight of the crisis in women’s film roles,” said Gillian Hartnell, spokesperson for the Hollywood Coalition for Peace and Better Parts.

  Money spent on the war in Iraq could be used to develop better scripts for aging actresses like Susan Sarandon and Meg Ryan, Hollywood protesters said.

  “We may not know whether Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or not, but one thing we do know is that most of us have not gotten any film work in at least a decade,” Ms. Hartnell added.

  Ms. Hartnell said that many in her group were frustrated by the resources that were being poured into impending military action against Baghdad that could be used instead to fund “scripts showing women over forty being strong, sexy and vibrant.”

  “And instead of offering Turkey thirty billion dollars to base American troops there, we should be using that money to pay for more flattering eight-by-ten glossies of unemployed actresses,” Ms. Hartnell said.

  The foreign ministers of France, Germany and Russia plan to join the group’s march in Washington today, with French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin excoriating the U.S.’s treatment of actresses over forty as “disgraceful.”

  “I just rented, how you say, Scooby-Doo,” Monsieur de Villepin said. “Where were the women in that film? The screenwriters gave all the best lines to the dog. You Americans disgust me.”

  U2’S BONO PROPOSES SWEEPING SOCIAL SECURITY OVERHAUL

  But Plan Faces Stiff Opposition from Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler

  In a sign that he intends to step up his daytoday involvement in the workings of the Federal government, Irish rocker Bono of the platinum-selling band U2 delivered a 1,062-page plan to Congress today to insure the Social Security program’s solvency through fiscal year 2050.

  But Bono gave a sneak preview one night earlier, interrupting a U2 concert at London’s Wembley Stadium to explain his proposal.

  “In 2000, the Social Security system took in five hundred sixty-eight billion dollars and paid out four hundred fifteen billion,” Bono told the standing-room-only crowd in a forty-fiveminute presentation complete with pie charts and bar graphs.

  “But some privatization of the program will be necessary to insure its solvency when the socalled Baby Boom generation retires,” said Bono, who coauthored the proposal with U2 guitarist The Edge.

  While Bono’s plan is garnering high marks on both sides of the aisle in Congress, it faces stiff opposition from one quarter: Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler, who excoriated Bono’s proposal at an Aerosmith concert in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

  “Bono’s plan requires breaking into the Social Security lockbox by fiscal year 2012,” said Tyler, interrupting a verse of Aerosmith’s smash hit “Jaded” to talk
about Social Security. “My plan doesn’t go anywhere near the lockbox.”

  WITHOR WITHOUT YOU: U2 lead singer Bono (pictured) lashed out at Steven Tyler’s proposed overhaul of Social Security.

  Tyler delivered his own 1,312-page Social Security proposal to Congress this morning, and while some in Washington welcomed the attention that the two rockers were bringing to the issue, others remained nonplussed.

  “Quite frankly, I think we were all better off when these guys were just trashing hotel rooms and flipping over vans,” said one member of the House Ways and Means Committee.

  KIM’S BLOG

  One thing people don’t realize about Kim Jong II is that I’m a mad crazy pop music nut. When I’m not threatening to blow up the world, you’re likely to see me back at the house, grooving to some awesome tunes on my iPod. (I’m a mad crazy dancer, too, by the way.)

  Because so few people know this musical side of me, I’ve never been asked to be a guest on one of those Desert Island Disks radio shows. You know what I’m talking about—where they ask you what records you’d bring with you on a deserted island. (Since I might wind up on a desert island after destroying the Korean Peninsula, this is far from an idle question!)

  I guess my top five tunes would go something like this:

  1. “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire—I read somewhere that this was a protest song. Protesting what, I’d like to know? I put it on my party tape, and it rocks.

  2. “Smoke on the Water” by Deep Purple—Every time this song comes on, I close my eyes and think of the Sea of Japan.